I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm going to miss
I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the
Doorway we spent time in swings empty
Don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion
How's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

music: Third Eye Blind: How's It Going To Be

The last time 'I Try' was my song of the moment was at 16 :(
9:59 AM Sep 10th from web
Infatuation is always a brief illusion with an uncanny inability to withstand time
7:52 AM Sep 10th from txt
It was a cautionary dip with precarious results
7:45 AM Sep 10th from txt
Gives new meaning to the word 'demean'
7:41 AM Sep 10th from txt
Not exactly an explosion.. More like a dissolution
7:39 AM Sep 10th from txt
Absolve is a word with too many implications
8:38 AM Sep 4th from txt
Will find out soon enough if i need to abort mission!!
7:25 AM Sep 4th from txt

Nowhere yah were going no where fast
Maybe this time I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine
C-c-c-crazy get your ass in my bed
Maybe you’ll be just my summer boyfriend, summer boy

Let’s get lost; you can take me home, somewhere nice
We can be alone
Bikini tops comin o-o-off
Don’t be sad when the sun goes down
You’ll wake up and i'm not around
I’ve got to go oh oh oh
We’ll still have the summer after all

Sometimes you might start a fight
But i’m happy, pretending were all right
Sunglasses cover up my green eyes
My martini glistens yeah
While checking out other guys
Summer boys

Let’s get lost; you can take me home, somewhere nice
We can be alone
Bikini tops comin o-o-off
Don’t be sad when the sun goes down
You’ll wake up and i’m not around
I’ve got to go oh oh oh
We’ll still have the summer after all

music: Lady Gaga-Summerboy

still feeling out of breath.
dunno why.
but feel so much lighter this week.
maybe im getting weened off this unhealthy attachment.
so instead i resolve to needles and ink.

absolutely asinine.

Not With You-Tegan and Sara
"My strength has come from loving you...
This is nothing I haven't said before
You are nothing I haven't felt before"

Lover I Don't Have to Love- Bright Eyes
"Love's an excuse to get hurt.
And to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do.
Then hurt me,
Then hurt me,
Then hurt me..."

The Scientist-Coldplay
"Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard."

Virgin State of Mind-K's choice
"Got a knife to disengage the voids that I can't bear"

Hello, I'm In Delaware-City And Colour
"How many hearts will die tonight?
And will things have changed?
I guess I'll find out...

But I will see you again,
I will see you again,
a long time from now."

Parachute-Sean Lennon
"Love is like an aeroplane
You jump and then you pray
The lucky ones remain
In the clouds for days"

City Girl-Tegan and Sara
"I get so sad,
That sad gets to be.
So scared that all my feelings,
They up and leave me."

Waltz, No. 2- Elliott Smith
"I'm never gonna know you now,
but I'm gonna love you anyhow"

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk-Rufus Wainwright
"everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger
a little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me...

it isn't very smart
tends to make one part
so brokenhearted."

Mad About the Boy-The Easy Virtue Orchestra & Jessica Biel
"Will it ever cloy
This odd diversity of misery and joy
I'm feeling quite insane and young again
And all because I'm mad about the boy"

Why Does It Always Rain On Me-Travis
"I cant sleep tonight
Everybody saying everythings alright
Still I cant close my eyes"

Rescued-Jack's Mannequin
"And don't you think
I wish that I could stay
...Your lips give you away
...say you'll miss me one last time"

Day Old Hate-City And Colour
"So let's face it, this was never what you wanted"

Karma Police-Radiohead
"I've given all I can, its not enough"

You Know I'm No Good-Amy Winehouse
"I told ya, I was trouble"

I've Been Thinking (feat Cat Power) Handsome Boy Modeling School
"I've been thinking about those things you said
I've been thinking about those things we did
I've been thinking about those things you do
I've been thinking about those things you made me do too
...I've been thinking about
Losing you"

Oh Well, OK-Elliott Smith
"If you get a feeling next time you see me
Do me a favor and let me know
'Cos it's hard to tell
It's hard to say
'Oh well, okay'"

Simple Starving To Be Safe-Daphne Loves Derby
"Ohh how could i survive without
...the hope you bring
...but for now i'll learn to say goodbye"

It's All Understood-Jack Johnson
"And fact is only what you believe
And fact and fiction work as a team
It's almost always fiction in the end
That content begins to bend
When context is never the same"

I Don't Love You-My Chemical Romance
"When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday""

Five Moments -The Field Mice
Not With You-Tegan and Sara
Lover I Don't Have to Love- Bright Eyes
The Scientist-Coldplay
Virgin state of mind-K's choice
Hello, I'm In Delaware-City And Colour
Parachute-Sean Lennon
City Girl-Tegan and Sara
Waltz, No. 2- Elliott Smith
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk-Rufus Wainwright
Mad About the Boy-The Easy Virtue Orchestra & Jessica Biel
Why Does It Always Rain On Me-Travis
Rescued-Jack's Mannequin
Day Old Hate-City And Colour
Karma Police-Radiohead
You Know I'm No Good-Amy Winehouse
I've Been Thinking (feat Cat Power) Handsome Boy Modeling School
Oh Well, OK-Elliott Smith
Simple Starving To Be Safe-Daphne Loves Derby
It's All Understood-Jack Johnson
Easy Virtue Tango-Easy Virtue (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
I Don't Love You-My Chemical Romance

poetically detached.

"My stomach drops and my guts churn" ...amy winehouse

head heavy heart in throat, legs shaking...not a good feeling; hurting, and hurting so much and don't know why...not in the chest, just everywhere else

Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard
-Spill Canvas-The Tide

Well I don't feel better
When I'm fucking around
And I don't write better
When I'm stuck in the ground
So don't teach me a lesson
Cause I've already learned
....

Oh the heart beats in its cage

I don't want what you want
I don't feel what you feel
See I'm stuck in a city
But I belong in a field

Yeah we got left, left, left, left, left, left, left


Oh the heart beats in its cage

The Strokes--Heart in a Cage

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

***
so since i dont consider myself stupid, and im pretty sure dude is very smart and cunning, how does that equate romance? the answer is, it doesn't...it's just that im smart but electively acting stupid. HAHA

ironies abounds.

exhilarating, exciting, new
holding on tight as the world rushes by and the wind is in your face
breathing in the smell of leather and clean clothes..
illegal, thrilling, dangerous
on too much of a high to let go
....
but knowing the breaking point is approaching,
and hurt is round the corner, imminent

it's 3am.
and it's amazing how much better an email can make me feel.
take away all my anxieties in a fell swoop.
i don't know what will happen now. but i thought it'd be helpful to say i feel exonerated

this is so painful.
this is so painful.
this is so painful.
this is so painful.
this is so painful.
this is so painful.
this is so painful.
this is so painful.
this is so painful.
this is so painful.

that i needed to write it 10x.
i am cutting it loose. or trying to.
it's not fair to anyone involved.
i just wanted to try it out.
it's not worth it.
sometimes it's just not fair when people are legitimately taken.
it's just not fair.

Mad about the boy
I know it's stupid to be mad about the boy
I'm so ashamed of it but must admit the sleepless nights I've had
About the boy

...

Lord knows I'm not a fool girl
I really shouldn't care
Lord knows I'm not a school girl
In the fury of her first affair

Will it ever cloy
This odd diversity of misery and joy
I'm feeling quite insane and young again
And all because I'm mad about the boy

So if I could employ
A little magic that will finally destroy
This dream that pains me and enchains me
But I can't because I'm mad...
I'm mad about the boy

you don't even know
the things
running through my head
right now

things left undone
things left unsaid

but what is there left to hold on to
when there is nothing to rely on.

***
every new beginning is a beautiful ending

this is amazing.
i want a life with you.
but im not ready for it yet.
how can i be when all these other things are running through my head?
these questions, these unresolved things?

i am a person that feels and feels and feels...
and i experience every slight emotion so intensely.
and i'm told i wear them on my sleeves.
it could be the product of being a girl.

if you dont want anything to do with me, why do you find me each day to seek out my company?
and then you turn around and complain about it?
i just do not understand the mentality surrounding it.
please, give me a plausible explanation,
i'm left out in the dark.